Subtitle

Warning: Expect foul language. I often blog when sleep deprived, and even when I'm not sleep deprived I cuss.
Warning the second: TMI often occurs. Read at your own risk. Feel free to laugh at my expense (I know I do!).
Warning the third: I suppose I should just put a general Trigger Warning here. I talk about mental illness (Anxiety, panic disorder, depression, social shit), abuse (rarely), and my fucked up relationship with food. And...other things. Actually, just consider this a general warning: If you might be triggered by things, you probably should read no further.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Fucking Cancer.

I'm so sick of losing people to cancer. It's not fucking fair. I love them, I'd die for them, but there's nothing I can do when the doctors come out with their diagnosis. Nothing. I can hug them and try to stay upbeat. I can be patient when they're crabby as hell, but there's nothing I can DO.
My grandfather recently came out on top after a bout with cancer, my step-grandpa didn't fare so well (almost twenty years ago now...holy shit). Step-grandpa might have survived the cancer if the treatment hadn't killed him. Right now it's hitting me harder, because the person in question is not only young (just shy of ten years younger than my mother), she also has a young boy. This woman...Lord, this woman treated me like one of her kids. She was my supervisor at work, but when I had car issues and had no way to get home...she took me into her home, fed me (kind of forcefully actually >.<), and gave me a place to sleep. When I woke up the next morning it was to find that she had gotten up early so she could go to the store and buy me a new shirt for work that day. I cheered her on as she went through the process to have her first marriage officially annulled with the Catholic Church so she could wed her husband (2nd husband that she had been married to for years) in an actual church wedding and attend her son's confirmation (I think that's what it's called, I'm not Catholic). She was diagnosed with cancer before the process was finished, and I remember how scared we were that she wouldn't make it to the big day. Well, okay, I wasn't scared, I was fucking pissed as hell and cussing and making threats about what I'd do to the asshole doctors who hadn't caught the cancer when she had been trying to figure out what was wrong with her for over TWO YEARS if she didn't make it to her wedding. It got kind of graphic. I may have watched a few too many action/fantasy movies around that time. It got really creative too.
But she made it to her wedding. I gave her a salsa CD. Whenever good dance music would come on the radio, she'd start salsaing up and down the teller line. Did I mention that she's Brazilian? She is. Very. She was fiery and we clashed, but we respected each other. I think we both understood that our clashes of temper were inevitable and easily moved past them. She was...I don't know, in some ways she was the person I wished I could be. I won't deny, after meeting her I realized why I resented my mother and what she didn't provide me emotionally.
I would gladly give up ten, twenty years of my life for this woman. If I could translate some of my lifespan to her I would. I come from long-lived families on both sides. They lived very long for their generations, and some of them are still alive. I can spare a decade or two for her to see her son graduate from high school.
I want to hate the doctors for saying there's no hope. There HAS to be hope, there has to be SOMETHING. Hope is the driving force of my life, but in instances like this... It doesn't matter how much hope you have, it's not going to cure cancer.

3 comments:

  1. Sorry to hear about your friend...I don't believe in "no hope" doctors practice for a reason..If they knew what they were talking about they would call it something different. Tell her to call the cancer treatment centers of america...they are the best...She will be in our prayers.

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    1. I don't know who she's going to now (i mean medical center-wise). She's been in treatment for...two years now? She's such a fighter that whatever she heard had to have been pretty...bleak. I'm sure she'll keep fighting, but she also has to prepare her family for the worst case scenario. Thank you for praying for her *hugs*.

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  2. There's always hope. While I lost my mom to cancer six years ago, during one bout, in which they told her she had about three months, the cancer just...vanished. She lasted another year and a half before it returned with a vengeance to claim her. But that was a wonderful year and a half. There's ALWAYS hope. And she's lucky to have you beside her.

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